Six Stupid Ways to Promote your Book Online

They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity, but sometimes it can just be plain tacky. Lately I’ve been starting to think about ways I can help my publisher promote my book when it’s out, but there are some things I just won’t be able to bring myself to do. I’ve seen examples of all of these on the web recently, but feel free to add any others I might have missed:

1.    Join every book discussion group and writers’ forum you can find – the members are waiting with bated breath for you to jump in and tell them about your opus. No need to introduce yourself – there’s no time for that in the modern, fast-paced world of the internet. Your first (and only) post should be:

You all should read The Undertaker by Doug Graves. This hilarious comic fictional novel has been described as Terry Pratchett meets The Da Vinci Code!!! It is for sale on Amazon, or direct from www.dur-brain-books.com. Buy it now!!!

Then move on to the next forum and wait for the money to start rolling in.

 

2.    Just think of how many thousands of people you’ve ever encountered in your life – it’s pretty easy to Google their email addresses or find them on Facebook. Won’t they all be impressed to hear that you’re now an author just like J. K. Rowling? There’s nothing they’d like better than to receive a mass communication telling them to buy your book. This includes all those stupid agents who rejected you – the joke’s on them now!

 

3.    Did some ignorant Amazon reviewer only give your book three stars? Don’t worry – you can turn this to your advantage. Use the comments facility to say: 

Three stars? Raaaargh!!!

Wow, did I upset you in a former life, you moron? This is not *supposed* to be great literature – are you too stupid to see that? Anyway, I know where you live, so if you keep telling people you only found my book “fairly amusing,” you’d better watch out, OK?

 

 

The reviewer will be so scared he’ll give your next book five stars, and everyone else will be so in awe of your feistiness that they’ll all place an order straight away. Result!

 

4.    Put a SIGNED FIRST EDITION!!!!! up on eBay. The key to success is to have at least ten identical auctions running simultaneously – you wouldn’t want anyone to miss out now, would you?

 

5.    Some writers get friends and family to post great reviews on Amazon – what amateurs! The inspired way to do it is to review your own book under several different pseudonyms. You can also go to the bestsellers in your genre and tell the reviewers “If you liked this, you’ll love…..” Don’t forget to leave your real name visible in the depths of your profile.

 

6.    Plug your book in the comments section of blogs. Don’t just stick to book blogs, either – you never know who might be interested:

This sounds like a fun lake to go carp fishing – if you like that sort of thing LOL! I might write a book about carp fishing one day. By the way, if you’re interested, my latest novel “The Hound of the D’Urbervilles” is a pacey thriller featuring Tess as a jaded detective and Angel Clare as her bumbling sidekick. It’s available from Amazon for only £17.99. Happy angling or whatever you call it!